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We are so very very sorry that the Daily Meaningless has been delayed in publication this week.
We have been busy investing tens of billions of pounds in a whapping great white corporate headquarters (pictured above) somewhere in East London, jam-packed with the latest gadgets, computers, remote-controlled daleks - more or less the whole caboodle. The project is well underway and will be completed in 2034, along with the Olympic stadium.
However, the upgrading of equipment and facilities will mean OUT with old working practices and IN with the new 'lean and mean' approach. This has meant a review of staffing levels and a subsequent overall reduction of 50%.
Since I am the only staff member here at the Daily Meaningless, I have had to make half of myself redundant, leading to access issues for the half I did not fire. On top of this, the half I had to let go is taking the other half to court claiming unfair dismissal on grounds of sexism.
We have been busy investing tens of billions of pounds in a whapping great white corporate headquarters (pictured above) somewhere in East London, jam-packed with the latest gadgets, computers, remote-controlled daleks - more or less the whole caboodle. The project is well underway and will be completed in 2034, along with the Olympic stadium.
However, the upgrading of equipment and facilities will mean OUT with old working practices and IN with the new 'lean and mean' approach. This has meant a review of staffing levels and a subsequent overall reduction of 50%.
Since I am the only staff member here at the Daily Meaningless, I have had to make half of myself redundant, leading to access issues for the half I did not fire. On top of this, the half I had to let go is taking the other half to court claiming unfair dismissal on grounds of sexism.
According to Mrs. Opasnaya Krasavitsa, a leading Kremlinologist and authority on labour disputes, I sacked my 'feminine' side. The feminine side has become highly unpredictable recently. I am listing some of its actions so you can recognise the warning signs if the same thing happens to you:
the feminine side is:
- picketing the building and making rude faces at mounted policemen
- living in a tent with Ms. Norka, a Latvian carpenter from Clacton
- refusing to shave its armpit
- receiving a £76,000 / year grant from the Mayor of London for a new thermos flask
the feminine side is:
- picketing the building and making rude faces at mounted policemen
- living in a tent with Ms. Norka, a Latvian carpenter from Clacton
- refusing to shave its armpit
- receiving a £76,000 / year grant from the Mayor of London for a new thermos flask
You thought that industrial action was a thing of the past? - Sadly the spectre of left-wing radicalism still flits from shadowy nook to darker cranny at the slightest opportunity.
Thus in these troubled times we beg your forgiveness, dear readers, and trust you will be looking forward to the resumption of your favourite source of quality news and comment.
Yours
The Editor
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