.....and deliver us from weasel

You see - when you have a real weasel visiting the world's largest supplier of quality weasel-oriented apparel, sparks have to fly. It reminds me of the current crisis of confidence in house prices, and the inevitable 'braindrain' that will follow. Leading lntellectuals will look for other countries where they can think up their slogans without ill-timed financial and moral influence from the establishment. Staying calm under pressure is the order of the day.

Football Latest

Thankfully the England football team was apparently too pathetic to reach the final round of whatever idiotic competition is currently being played somewhere in Europe. I heard a man called 'Chris Waddle' reporting on the situation. He said in pidgin English that the city hosting the games doesn't 'feel like a city staging a major tournament' - presumably he meant that, due to the absence of England supporters, there are few incidents of tatooed fat men vomiting 17 pints of beer into passing pushchairs, whilst the others do silly 'Nazi' salutes and all the rest of the chavvery that is our best-know export. So well done, England! - keep losing and give our country a chance to get a reputation for something more than over-paid ponces in vast shorts falling over in the penalty area.

Shame and damnation as usual

It'z a zet-up, Guv

You see, one of the Daily Meaningless reporters was attending a cocktail party recently. Now old Mosey, the host, was feeling a little frisky and the gentlemen retired to the billiard room for a couple of frames. It was all good clean fun, the sort of thing healthy chaps get up to when matron isn't looking. The Nazi caps, long-legged nymphettes in jack boots and suspiciously baggy trousers, maps of Poland with Warsaw crossed out, not to mention the maps of Warsaw with Poland crossed out, were all well within the rules of billiards, according to old Mosey's spokesman, Manfred von Veaselmark. Sadly news was leaked and a fearful kerfuffle broke out until the truth of the innocence and purity of the jolly jape could be established.

Scandal averted

In order to preserve the good name and reputation of the Daily Meanignless and to avoid such misunderstandings in the future, we have subscribed to voluntary membership of the famous WM Certification Scheme. In the future all our drunken role-playing orgies will be subject to the most exacting standards.

Vive La Resistance

Just to make it clear whose side we're on, we have even hired a French person - so there.